Virginia’s Roberts Giuffre’s tragic death by suicide does not sit in isolation. It’s what can happen to victims of sexual abuse when justice is not denied and when there is a constant denial of reality by those around you. Professionally, I’ve witnessed many times this toxic impact of repeated denial. It renders people insane and to a point where they just want it to stop. So they stop it.
When abusers of all kinds do not face justice, when they are not held to account and when they fail to take responsibility, the outcome for their victim(s) can be the same. Healing cannot take place when denial remains.
Today, as every day, there will be other men, women and children who have been abused who in the absence of justice will die by suicide. This horrendous fact is one reason why I will never tire of speaking out about abuse and how we all have a responsibility to know about those who abuse, to understand how abusers operate and crucially to speak out about it, as indeed Virginia courageously did.
As a forensic clinician with over forty years specialist experience of treating perpetrators of sexual crime, it was not difficult for me to recognise many indicators of guilt in the now well known interview with one of Virginia’s abusers.I wrote about it at the time and in honour of Virginia I share it again … I called it ‘Think Like Andrew’ …..
Once upon a time there was a Prince called Andrew. Some very horrible things were said about this Prince. In response, the mother of the Prince, the Queen, commanded him to go on national television. The Prince and his mother made a long list of all the things he needed to say to defend his reputation. This was not difficult as his mother had needed to do this before when other men in her family, including the prince’s uncle, had found themselves in similar situations.
The prince however remained worried and started to cry; “Oh Mummy, the lady saying the horrible things about me has also got a photograph of me looking guilty as fuck and sweating like a real sex offender”. The Queen responded immediately by telling her son not to worry and just to tell the people that, as a Prince, he was unlike anyone else in the world as he could not sweat. On hearing this the Prince was so excited he started to say out loud all things he had secretly told himself over many years. For the Prince had always known that what the lady had said about him were in fact true. But now it did not matter at all. The Queen had spoken and just like magic he was above the law.
Indeed, the stuff of fairy tales. That is exactly as it seems when hearing or reading the first statements made by someone guilty of committing a sexual crime. The story and stories they tell themselves are often beyond belief. To make any sense of it, to see through it, to expose the truth that hides behind it, to bring about justice, then the task is to enter the world of the fairy tale and to think, for a time, like the storyteller. It was this process I had in mind when I heard the sweating Prince telling his story and the public debate that followed. It prompted me at the time to invite others to ‘think like Andrew”.
Thankfully, we have become familiar with being able to think as victims or about victims. As crucial as this awareness is it plays only a small role in preventing incidents of sexual abuse and bringing those guilty of sexual crimes to justice.
To prevent, recognise and respond to sexual crimes we need to be able to think like the predator, abuser and paedophile. No wonder we shy away from this uncomfortable task. Despite my clinical training those who I have learned the most from are the men and women who have commissioned sexual crimes. Assessing their risk, listening to their stories and reasons over many years I now know what to expect, their agenda does not change or develop much, although I must remain ever vigilant to still hear the unthinkable and even after decades, I do.
So rather than debating Andrew, why don’t you do you own assessment of his story. Watch it again. Just using his public statement how many of the following thinking traits can you identify. You may also do this same assessment on those you know or associates who appear to collude with others whose behaviour has been supportive of any kind of abuse; domestic violence, emotional, psychological abuse and sexual abuser – often we are too good at making excuses for those we should be holding to account.
This obviously not a full assessment but it illustrates the self-talk, justifications and denials of those who need to be cause for concern. Each is followed by a typical statement I have heard literally thousands of times.
EXCUSES “I couldn’t see what I was doing”
BLAMING “She / He gave me the come on” “my partner
wouldn’t have sex with me”
PITY “I was having a bad time, I needed cheering up”
JUSTIFYING “It’s always happening to me, when people do it to
me, I don’t mind”
REDENFINING “It’s not abuse, its flirting”
LYING “I did not do it”, “I was not there”, “I don’t do things
like that”
UNIQUENESS “It’s a gay thing, it’s part of the scene, we behave
like that to each other”
ASSUMING “She was in a nightclub so therefore she wants it”
MINIMISING “It’s a laugh, a joke, its friendly fun, much worse
could happen”
VAGUENESS “I just brushed by her – I wasn’t thinking”
GRANDIOSITY “The law is mad and out of date, I can do what I
want, I’m not oppressed”
VICTIM BLAMING “She / he made me do it”
VICTIM STATUS “This whole thing is ruining my life”
SPLITTING “I’m a good person and would never harm anyone”
“I haven’t got a bad bone in my body”
PUZZLEMENT “I just don’t understand this consent thing”
HELPLESS “I didn’t know what I was doing, I was
very overwhelmed”
MY WAY “I Joke all the time, it was a joke, it’s how I am”
AVOIDANCE “The alcohol / drugs / chems made me do it”
DISTORTION “I was being honourable, loyal to my friend” “I was helping him / her” “I was educating him / her”
There are of course always new versions, new justifications, new distortions, new lies. “I cannot sweat” was a new one on me ….
Br. Stephen Morris fcc
